There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
