he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
