Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
