So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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