love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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