I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
