I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
