At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
