did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
