did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
