i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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