My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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