I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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