before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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