I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
