Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
