I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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