Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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