I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
