you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
