Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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