i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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