Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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