yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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