Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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