their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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