I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
