first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
