some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
