i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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