A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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