i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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