Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
