no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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