I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
