Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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