i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
