i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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