Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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