it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
