sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
