my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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