when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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