You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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