I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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