Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
