ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can't put those talents on a resume
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize