i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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