...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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