all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
