Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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