I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
