we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
