I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize