Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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