Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
