you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
