the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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