My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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