I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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